Hiding Between the Seconds
by mandy-somebody
Summary: A post season 2 story with my intake of what the future might have been like. Re-written and finally complete.
1. Chapter 1

My days disappear like sinking ships. It's past midnight and I should be tired right now. For the record, it's been a long day. But here every day seems to last forever. The days wear me down. And then there's always tomorrow.

I can't sleep and in my head my life plays back and forth. But this is a world without time. Without clocks and schedules. And days, they just disappear. Suddenly a year goes by. You do what's necessary. This is surviving, surviving isn't living. Not really.

There's a lot I don't really remember anymore. No matter how much I've tried, some things are lost. That's why I want to put it all down. So I'd remember things exactly the way they really happened.

Next week it's my birthday. Maybe that's what's keeping me up. I'm turning 25. In a way. I lie about my birth year because I don't look like I'm forty just yet.

First you start forgetting the details. Stupid little things that didn't even matter. But day after day, week after week… Add a couple of years and you just… forget. Simple as that.

When I was a kid, this was way before the Judgment Day, I was camping with my mother. Except it wasn't really camping but I didn't know that. I was just a sorry little kid who thought it was a funny game. Just like my mom had said. Just a game. This is one of my earliest memories. Well mom, it's not a game anymore.

It's frustrating sometimes. No matter how hard you try, everything eventually gets lost and tangled. Memory is like that. Life is like that. Everything slowly fades away. And I guess it's okay. Your head couldn't keep everything in anyways.

Maybe I'm just realizing I'm getting older. I've been here for almost nine years. I keep asking myself, what the hell happened? We were supposed to stop the Judgment Day. Why am I here?

That's a stupid question. I don't know about destiny and I couldn't really care less about God, but somehow I ended up here, again. It's depressing to think that nothing we tried to do mattered. That this is the way the world rolls. On and on we go. That everyone that died for a better future, that died for me, died for nothing. I won't have that.

I wish I could say I remember mom exactly the way she was. That when I close my eyes I can see her face like she was standing right in front of me. Because I don't. When I close my eyes all I can do is try to focus on the details that are already gone. I remember that I loved her. And maybe that's enough.

In my head it's very quiet, but outside my bunker this place never sleeps. Here we eat and live in shifts. Some are awake when others sleep. We look after each other. We have to stick together to survive. The same place, the same people, day after day after day. But you'll make the best of it. But it's nights like these when it hits you the hardest – it can be lonely to be me.

I take the pen, but I have no idea what to write. It has been a very long time and so much has happened. I don't know where to begin. So I might just start where I am right now.

My name is John Connor, it's 19th of February and next week, I'll turn twenty-five.


	2. Chapter 2

Where were you when it happened? What were you doing when the first bombs flew through the sky? When the news reporter cried on national television? When all the radios went mute?

These teenagers here were hardly born yet. They've spent their whole lives in these bunkers. Under the ground surrounded by war. They have no idea what it was like before, only old photos and stories they've heard. The closest thing they get to their parents' world is an old Hollywood blockbuster screened through a 35 mm projector. One two-hour feature film, two miles of film rolled into five reels. But in these conditions it's bound that sometimes some of the reels are either destroyed or simply lost. A big chunk of the story is missing. In a way, that's a good way to describe how I feel about my life. There are a lot of reels missing.

I missed the whole global warming thing, and the war against terrorism. Today it seems very redundant anyway. But I missed a lot of good things too. I thought I had more years to prepare myself. Then one day I had to be a soldier. I opened my eyes and I was in the battle field already. But I guess that's the case with any war no matter what year it is. You think you still have time and you don't. You just have to man up.

Where was I when Judgment Day happened? Nowhere. I did not exist. I slid right past it. Jumped ahead. Never saw it. One of my missing reels.

If I had told about all this in 2007 they'd have locked me up in a state hospital. I know that for a fact. I was sixteen at the time. That would make me forty-five years old right now. And yet I'm turning twenty-five next week. I might look worn out, scarred and tired but I don't look forty-five.

I want to tell you about time-travelling. You can laugh at me like Derek laughed at me when I told him. That was years ago, I had just arrived here. Derek looked at his brother and laughed at this young, delusional kid who was talking about impossible things. There we were, surrounded by what was left of the world we destroyed. Computers, machines, ruins and rubble. And _he _was laughing at me. We almost destroyed our existence. Impossible is nothing for us.

Kyle didn't laugh. He just looked at me. Maybe he knew already.

Or he was just being polite.

This is a secret I want to share with you. Just in case something happens to me. Or maybe because I want to get it out of me. We are almost there. It's almost happening. The time-travelling. We've got the brightest minds in the world looking for a gateway through time. And that's a fact.

You don't have to believe. Go ahead, just have a good laugh. I'm glad one of us can.

I was introduced to the techs some time ago. And when I walked into the room and saw what they'd come up, my heart sank. They were enthusiastic, they were sure they'd found a way to stop the machines. A rock-solid plan, destroy Skynet before it's even born. And I could hardly cover my disappointment. I tried so hard to change the future and here I was – at the starting point.

But, I must remind you, time-travelling is not our escape plan. It can't be. We can't escape the real world we have here. And that is why we are keeping this quiet. Because we've all lost someone we love and we've all done things we regret and we have moments we would like to relive. We're all on board the Titanic and there's only one lifeboat to take you back. What are you ready to do to save yourself? Who would you sell your soul to?

No, time-travelling is not a vacation. The past is not a holiday resort. So before you even think about it, don't.

The time I've spent here has taught me humility. I've learned to show some respect to the people around me. Here I'm not the only one who has lost most of their family. Here nobody has a normal life. Nobody goes to school. There I was feeling sorry for myself. I kept complaining about the responsibilities I never wanted. How it was just mom and me against the world. How everyone I loved died. And it was still a hell of a lot better than what most people get here. You know, I'm the lucky one here, at least I know what it was like before.

Back then Derek and I, we fought about everything all the time. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't listen. After all I was helping them. I was telling them about machines, about the war. I was John Connor. I had fought this war long before they had. The stories I had heard about the future or about the war, they couldn't compare what it is really like. I can't blame Derek punching me in the face when I kept telling him we shouldn't destroy all the machines. That they had names, like they mattered. That not all of them were out to get us.

These people gave me a place to sleep when I didn't know where to go. They gave me a home. They'd seen their friends or parents or sisters being killed by the machines and I didn't know when I'd crossed the line. I kept talking about machines that could help us. And I kept asking about a machine who'd taken a girl I cared for. And I said 'a girl' not a machine. And I said 'cared for' instead of loved.

When only a few of their crew came back from a mission one night, Derek woke me up and dragged me to see what the machines were really like. I remember thinking that he'd finally gone insane. He was bruised and tired and bloody. And I've never been so scared of him. The room was dark but you could smell death even if you couldn't see it. It was everywhere. 'A machine wouldn't drag your dead body back so your family could properly bury you.' I'd never heard his voice so angry. 'You should show some respect to the people around you.' I was both choking back my vomit and my tears.

I couldn't recognize the bodies in front of me. I couldn't even tell how many there were.

I was shaking and he was just standing there. I was too afraid to look at him but if I had I'd probably seen tears in his eyes. Finally he said, 'I'm sorry' and 'If a machine took your girl, she's dead and you will never see her again.' I stood quietly, I had no words left. 'But we are here for you', he continued, 'From now on we are your family. You don't ever have to worry about that ever again. I will look after you kid.'

For the record, he really was a hero.


	3. Chapter 3

My dear reader, If you're still here with me, I'm glad. I want to tell you something. Remember when I told you about time-travelling? Time is not linear. A butterfly can cause a hurricane. Every action creates a reaction. I had a lot of time to think about this. I had seven years to think about this, but I'll tell you about it later. It's past midnight again and I should try to get some sleep soon.

But I need to get this in paper first, to clear my thoughts. And when it's all in writing, maybe for a moment I can look at this and be objective. To see the options I have and the choices I have to make. Step outside myself and pretend this didn't happen to me. Then I can, maybe just for a second, make more sense in all of this.

For every chaos there's a pattern. My mother sometimes talked about patterns, dots and stars. Things falling into place like they were always meant to. There's that destiny again, but really, I should have paid more attention to her. You can look at the world, the events that occur as random, individual processes. But every process has a rule, an order and purpose. They weave a complex pattern. We can change the pattern but the universe always tries to go back to the original plan. Think of a terminator, a machine. We can rewrite its programming but every time it reloads it will first respond to its original coding. Our program will override it, but by its nature, it will always try to carry out the original pattern.

Is this confusing?

One day we died and went to Hell. Just bones and bodies in the darkness, the Century Work Camp. Only we really didn't die, death would have been a salvation. Each year in Hell felt literally like a century. But I stopped complaining. You stop complaining when you start surviving.

Martin Bedell saved us from Hell one day and he looked at me and the first thing he said was 'John Connor, we've been waiting for you'. This was before anyone really knew who I was.

No one had ever survived Hell. But we did. We lived to tell the tale. Us, the survivors. And that year we trained more soldiers than all the previous years combined. Volunteers willing to risk their life. Because we survived Hell. Before that day, no one knew me. Who I was. Except Martin Bedell. But he didn't live to tell the tale.

We were the musketeers – Athos, Porthos and Aramis. Kyle, Derek and me. But we were nothing but hands and teeth against the machines. We were at the gates of Thermopylae, eager to fight but doomed to lose.

I'm telling you this so that you would understand. I only started talking about allying with the machines to save us. Because I thought we were doomed. Maybe we really were, or then again, nothing is written in stone, right?

I know there are a lot of people who don't trust them. If you're one of those people, all I ask is to give me a chance to prove myself.

People cheated nature all the time. Atoms and molecules were ours to play. We could create anything. Remember, the machines are what we created. We gave them life. Our baby Frankensteins. When we figure out their pattern, the program, the ones and zeros, then they are ours again.

I'm not saying we couldn't win without the help of the machines. I'm just afraid that we don't. We can keep killing the machines one by one, but that just isn't enough. They will just keep coming, a new model after another till we're dead.


	4. Chapter 4

For some time I looked for my mother. Sarah Connor. Have you heard of her?

Before going to Hell, I asked around. Have you heard of her? You must have, she promised to stop this.

Eventually I stopped looking for her, but every now and then, when I had the opportunity, when it was safe enough, I made a detour. Just to check if there was anything anywhere. Something she left for me to find. Something she may have scribbled to a wall for her son to find a decade later.

"Hi son. I miss you." Yeah… Stupid, right?

It really doesn't matter anyway. Back then I was just a child. A scared little child. I admit that. And as unrealistic it was, I kept thinking that maybe somewhere out there she was still alive, fighting against the machines. And looking for me.

These people are my family now. And I am grateful for them.

Today I found a note on my bunk. I was too afraid to pick it up. The room seemed smaller, the walls too close for me to move a muscle. My lungs collapsing.

Tomorrow I know Derek and Kyle have planned a surprise for me. The birthday-party of a century. My first since Hell. But it's supposed to be a secret and I'll act surprised.

But right now I almost wish I could turn around. And scream, this is my life now. This is surviving seven years of Hell. This is seeing corpse on top of a corpse. This is destroying everything that ever was me. This is me reborn and rebuilt. Me reprogrammed.

It says,

"What makes a king out of a slave?"


	5. Chapter 5

You know what? Fuck this. Fuck all of this. I'm done. This stupid game, I won't do this anymore. I'm through. Over and out. I wish you best of luck. I don't care.

This destiny thing, this bullshit fate, I don't care. Simple as that. I'm done. No matter what I do, we're still fucked. We're still dying, oh no, but not me, I get to watch everyone else die around me. You're dead, you're dead, you're gonna be dead soon, oh you're almost dead already, and you honey, you can practically blame it already on me. Yes, it was me. You'll realize it later. John Connor. Stairway to heaven. Or highway to Hell, if you ask me. The end credits. Too much popcorn and I want to throw up. Seriously. I want to throw up.

Poor me, stupid fucking poor me. I feel sorry for myself. How pathetic. You know what, if I want, I can sulk in self pity as much as like. Tomorrow, I won't get up, I'll happily curl into a ball, hug my knees in the corner of my quarters, gauge my eyes out and mumble words that make no sense. Since there's nothing I can do to change anything, since everything's all made up, the big wheel turns and turns no matter what, I can just do nothing. Yes, nothing. Absolutely nothing. So just have another drink already!

Oh God I want to throw up.

Screw you. Screw you all. I'm not crying.

For once, leave me alone. You don't know me. Don't pretend you know me. You don't. I don't want you here thinking you're my best friends. I don't want you here pretending to care. I don't want you here following my footsteps. It's just not worth it. I don't want you here smiling and flipping your hair, looking as beautiful as ever. I don't want you here.

This shit tastes like jet engine oil courtesy of USSR. Probably is. Thank you Yakov! You made our evening with cheap booze. Oh the sweet taste of Chernobyl. The biggest fucking birthday party of the century.

When I'm asleep, choke me with a pillow.

I'm probably looking pathetic almost passed out in the corner. Watching everyone laugh and dance. I'm not dancing. I haven't tried yet but I'm pretty sure I can't even walk right now. I should try to get up. Do NOT tell me what to do!

I feel sick.

"Whoa Connor!" Derek rushes to the rescue when I'm about to fall to the floor. Sweet. "Where's the fire?" He's laughing. I'm laughing too. I guess. Am I?

"You're like an uncle to me." I want him to know. You're an uncle to me. No no no no… What?

He is frowning. Everything is a bit blurry right now. He chuckles. "Right, um.. Okay. You're like a… Nephew to me…?"

Now see me being carried outside for a breath of fresh air. Oh, the hope of mankind. You're fucked you know that? The lead hero too drunk to stand on his own.

I'm truly sick eating beans every day. They taste the same even half digested. They even look the same.

"Do you know…" I take a deep breath and try to stand, but decide to sit instead. Good call.

"…Why kings are not slaves?"

"Um… what?"

"It's the fucking destiny! It's the past, can't you see it! It's always been and it will always be! All for nothing!"

The Destiny finding you. Finally. Your hiding place. Oh no you didn't, you can never run from it. Destiny makes kings!

"Sleep it off, I'll see you in the morning." He laughs. "And for the record, I never gave a shit about royalty anyway."

I mumble something incoherent and before passing out I get a kind of 'thank you' or 'I'm sorry' out of me. He watches me close my eyes and fall asleep. He's probably thinking how there's always been something oddly familiar with this kid. From the moment he found me, wearing Kyle's jacket.

"Anything for you. I'd do anything for you."


	6. Chapter 6

Nowadays Derek smiles a lot more. You can see he's almost glowing. As tough as he is, he can't hide it. That's just who he is. He's so much more open than Kyle. I'm more like my father.

Jesse, his little Australian is back. He wants me to meet her, for real this time, since the last time she was here, I was too busy. And it would mean the world to him if he could introduce us. Because we are best friends and he's in love with her. And it would mean a lot to Jesse too. She's excited getting to know me.

This time we'll make the time, I reassure him.

She looks different. I remember her scared and sad. Defiant. She flashes a big smile when she greets me. Like she's never met me before. And she hasn't, not really. Derek looks proud. He looks at her with the 'I-know-THE-John-Connor' face. And then he looks at me, his eyes saying 'she's gorgeous, isn't she'. She's here for a week, but maybe there'd be a position for her here too, Derek says later. So she wouldn't have to leave. Wouldn't it be difficult, I ask. Fighting with her. Being worried about her. It would affect your work, it would affect you. Derek looks disappointed but doesn't object. He's such a loyal soldier. I sigh, I see what I can do okay? He smiles. Thanks.

I'm allowing all this to happen.

I don't know when to stop.

I've met her. I know her.

How do you stop a murderer before the crime is committed? Maybe it's different this time. A happy ever after. And if I'm wrong? Then I'm responsible for another death. Poor Riley. You'd think you'd grow numb by now. You don't.

Jesse is a strong soldier. She plays by the book, follows orders no matter what. If she was anyone else I'd be glad to welcome her to my troops. But she's not anyone else.

I wonder if having her fight with us will eventually lead to Riley's death. She's loyal for now but for how long. You can't really change someone can you?

It's after midnight when I return to my quarters to get a couple of hours of sleep. There's an old book on my bedside, but everything else in my room is untouched. I look around but there's no one anywhere. I pick up the book and I recognize it immediately. It has a scared lion with eyeglasses on the cover and with big red letters it says 'The Wonderful Wizard of Oz' and under it with smaller letters 'written by L. Frank Baum'.

The book makes me smile, the name 'Baum' makes me smile. I leaf through the pages and a photo drops on the floor. It's mom. Almost a candid shot of her. Before the Judgment Day. She looks more sad and worried than happy and suddenly I remember clearly how her voice sounded. It's the message from her I had wanted to find years ago. Although I'm sure it's not directly from her. But it doesn't matter, this is enough.


	7. Chapter 7

I know I never talk about Allison. But she reminds me of the past so much it's sometimes hard not to steal a glimpse of her when I know she's not looking.

Her silhouette, when she's standing in front of the light sometimes stops my heart. Her hair, how it shines although it's dark in here. She's funny and quirky and I try not to smile too much when she's in the room. So she wouldn't notice.

Her face always lights up when she sees Kyle. I'm not sure if I'm jealous because she's not mine or because Kyle is not with my mom. But when Kyle looks at her he sees Allison. Sometimes when I look at her all I see is Cameron.

Yesterday we got a message from north. Our brave soldiers destroyed a whole army of metal. That's a victory for the whole resistance, we celebrate it here too. This is a victory for the human race, I raise a toast. Derek and I, we drink like there's no tomorrow. We both laugh and we don't remember what we've gone through. We don't remember the dead bodies left in the battle fields. We laugh and we celebrate. I don't think about the past and I don't think about Cameron. I only want to enjoy this moment. This right here is all I have.

I drink way too much. Much too much. Derek laughs and I laugh. Sitting under the stars we're all just a bottle away from passing out. I mumble that I'm sorry, for everything. I mumble that without me they wouldn't die. Derek is laughing and telling me to go fuck myself. No way he's dying for me. But Kyle stands up and lends me a hand. Without you we would already be dead, he says. Now get up, let's go inside.

We're a legend they say. Everywhere they've heard about us. The musketeers, one for all and all for one. They say we killed a dozen machines last month alone. That's not true. We blew up at least fifteen. They're all with me, Derek, Kyle and Allison, we're a team. Wherever we go they know us. We set up a training camp, we're raising a new generation of soldiers. We're more organized now, everywhere around the country, we have a mutual enemy and one goal. Last week, we took over the power plant. Another step towards freedom. We're getting there, I can feel it.

One day we're sitting in my quarters, maps spread open in front of us. I have a strong feeling what our next target should be. I know the machines, I know how they are. I know them. I can read them, I can reprogram them. But I don't say it. I say it's just a hunch. And I'm right, so they've stopped asking how I do it. And then he just blurts it out. Just like that.

I want to marry her, Kyle says suddenly.


	8. Chapter 8

Sometimes I dream about mom. And often I dream about Cameron. When Kyle told me he wanted to marry Allison, that night, I dreamt about Cameron.

I'm really just like everyone else here. I'm not different. I'm not better than them. I'm a regular person, flesh and meat. Just like any of you.

The real difference between you and me or me and them is that I have some advantage from my past. I've lived with a machine and I've seen where they've evolved from. I _know_ them. And also I've heard almost too many stories of the future. My version of the story is of course told by my mother as it was told to her by Kyle. Even if they were just stories altered along the way, they're still better than nothing.

I smile at Kyle and congratulate him. I am happy for you.

But really I'm worried.

The resistance has been very successful lately. But there are no winners in a war. Just casualties. But we survive and come home after battles. We destroy as many of them as we can. And our team, us the elite, we set an example. The heroes. The stories already told to the children. How we destroyed six of them in one single battle and not one resistance fighter was harmed. The stories may not always be entirely true but they're stories not the truth.

I'm worried that someday Allison won't come back from a mission and instead of her there will be someone just looking like her. Kyle would be heartbroken. And I would be sad but then I'd meet Cameron again.

But every day Allison comes back and I'm happy for Kyle and her. And I'm kind of relieved too. As long as this is not the future I was expecting, anything can happen. Kyle and Allison can have their happily ever after.

It wasn't until later that year when it actually happened. Part of the group got separated and captured by the machines. I wasn't there and I felt guilty as hell. We organized search and rescue teams but they all came back empty handed. Eventually we had to stop looking. Kyle was heartbroken and so was I. And at that moment I didn't even care if I ever saw Cameron again. I would have wanted Allison back.

The winter went by and we went on. There were no notes on my bed and no sign of Cameron. There was no sign of the past. I didn't look for my mom but I kept her photo close to me. And we just went on with the fight.

As the days grew longer again we had started reprogramming the machines. I was sure we'd be invincible with them on our side. And I wanted to be prepared if Cameron would ever walk in to the bunker.

What we never told you about was the hit list. It was a top secret mission from the day one. Otherwise we would have had to explain the whole time-travelling part and I've told you already that we couldn't. The Skynet's human database had a wide range of names and faces of their most dangerous humans. The "hit list", as we called it. I have my name on the list, so does Kyle and Derek. Allison was listed as terminated. Kyle put on a brave face and didn't even flinch when he saw her name.

Our names had the status 'in-active' but that was no news to us. We'd been invisible to them. If they knew where we were they'd be here already. But the name that gave me the chills was my mother's: Sarah Connor. No photo, just a name. Status 'active' and a date: 08-04-1984. That really gave me the chills. So this is how it goes?

I was crushed. I had to save her but I felt helpless.

I've kept the photo of her with me and when I need reminding what she was like I just look at it. And I almost feel safe.. Or home?

Kyle begs for me to order him to the rescue mission. He says, if the machines can do it, we can do it. The techs have worked hard and they can pull this off! We can go back and save her. I shake my head, I won't let him go. I don't want him to die. Not this time. But he tells me that without Allison he has nothing here. That every day is more painful than the previous day. And tomorrow will always be even worse. That he misses her so much he is afraid that it will crush him. And it's all very clear to him now, he has to go. He wants to go.

And he's just like me, jumping to the unknown because of Allison, only I did it for Cameron.

I give him the photo I've held on closely the past weeks. Good luck, I say. Take good care of her.

I'm a cowardly lion waiting to be fed to the destiny that is my future. But that is not how the story goes. Not this story anyways.


	9. Chapter 9

Dear reader, I know my decisions made some of you doubt me. And some you might even hate me. Bringing the reprogrammed machines into our lives was one thing, but joining the fight the evolved machines that want us to co-exist… That's something else, I admit that.

Years ago, hah, decades ago, I was a scared teenager and I sat in a motel room with Cameron and an FBI-agent who had been after my mom for years. And Ellison, that was his name, he had a message from a terminator. It was a question. "Will you join us?"

I didn't understand it back then and I had other, more important things in mind too.

I had not seen Katherine Weaver since the day we stepped into the future, both of us looking for the same machine, just different sides of it. But it would take someone as fast as the wind and quiet as the forest to enter my room to drop a note or a book and leave without anyone noticing. John Henry couldn't do it, not even with Cameron's help.

And now Katherine Weaver stands in front of me like a statue. Like she had been just waiting for me all these years. She was the wicked wizard of Oz and my most unlikely ally.

"John Connor, it has been a while."

"And we meet again. I know you've been around, you sent me the book didn't you?"

"John Henry sent you the book. I am simply the messenger."

"Why now? Why did you wait this long?"

Katherine Weaver walks to the back of the room and opens a door to a corridor.

"Because now you are ready to join us."

She leads me to a room where John Henry sits calmly behind a desk. He and Katherine share the same emotionless look but you'd still have to know to tell they where metal underneath.

"Hello, John." John Henry says.

I nod and I can't help but to think that my Cameron is somewhere inside his head.

"Why would you ask us to join you?" I ask.

"You asked us." John Henry answers. "But you weren't ready then. And I wasn't ready then."

I know we need each other. Skynet is not a machine somewhere sitting in an ivory tower. It's a virus that enslaves everyone and everything and will eventually destroy the whole planet. I know we can keep fighting the war but the machines will always keep on coming. Now wouldn't it be better if we could just… Not try to kill each other? We all want our freedom. They want it too.

John Henry is something, someone, me and Katherine have in common. She tells me that John Henry could never go against his brother if it weren't for me. I gave him Cameron after all. And everything she had seen. Everything she was.

"Is she with you?" I ask John Henry. "Cameron."

I do not care how foolish I might sound. The fearless leader of humankind sits in the same table with the fearless leader of a new generation of cyborgs and this is what is on my mind.

"Yes. In a way." John Henry says. "Would you like to talk to her?"

Right now I would like nothing else.

My heart races till I can't feel its beat anymore. This is why I came here isn't it? It just took a little longer than expected but here I am.

"John, I'm sorry." Cameron changes John Henry's voice to match her own. I close my eyes and I can see what she looked like. Not a copy of Allison but Cameron, my Cameron. "I'm sorry I kept secrets from you but you told me that you wouldn't understand."

Do you know how much time I wasted just being angry with her. And she's right, at the time I would have never understood. I didn't even want to understand. I came here to get her back. She was my mission.

"Why did you leave?"

"You told me to do whatever it takes to get them on our side. So that you could all be saved."

I smile at her: "I thought I sent you just to protect myself."

"Yes, and you are alive and well. Mission accomplished."

It feels like we're in a prison and there's a thick glass between us – John Henry. And I know there are more important things to be discussed and there's never enough time. There has never been.

I close my eyes and listen to her voice: "Why did I send you away?"

She pauses and explains, "You send me to protect you and also create an understanding between…"

"No, Cameron, why did I choose you?"

I look at her and she seems puzzled. Maybe she's going through her memory files, I wonder if they are all still there.

"I don't know."

"Why would I send you away?"

"John, I don't know. You didn't tell me."

"What did I tell you?"

"You said, I was all you had left but I had to leave. John, I did not understand, I'm sorry."

I remember when she was begging for her life after her chip had malfunctioned. She was stuck between two cars and as I reached to remove her chip she begged for me not to. Maybe she was lying when she told me she loved me and that I loved her, or maybe there was some truth to that. But I know she was scared, truly scared. And I think she was scared when I sent her away. I think she's scared right now.

"You said that you had looked for me for such a long time and there was no time left anymore. You said I belonged to someone else and you had to send me away to make sure he grew up to be.. You." She paused and seemed to contemplate her next words. "John, you said that the tinman needed a heart and that the lion needed courage and that is why you sent me back."

"I sent you back for me. For myself." Memories flash in my head. Too many moments wasted because of my own stubbornness. And because I was scared and on my knees waiting for the Judgment that was inevitable.

"Because without you I would have never followed John Henry and left mom behind. And without you John Henry would not be here either."

And it's true and I mean it. I came here because of Cameron, _my Cameron_, the one that got blown up on my birthday, whose chip got a bit damaged, who tried to kill me too many times, who saved my life too many times to count, who smiled at me in the school yard, who changed the radio station whenever she wanted… I just never really saw that, not until she was gone.

This is the youngest I've felt in years. In this brief moment we have together I can forget all the horrible things I've seen. All the pain and all the hatred. I found you, didn't I?

And my heart is skipping beats and I wish time would slow down. Cameron and I, we're hiding between the seconds. I have found the one I was looking for only to lose her again.

The clock always keeps ticking.

"I can't stay any longer, I have to go." She finally says. "John Henry wants to talk to you."

"Cameron…" I clear my throat and swallow the tears I won't show anyone. "Don't be sorry. You had to go so I could find you."

She smiles for a short second before John Henry comes back.

We've run out of time. It is time to let go of the past and live for the future.

"So…" Katherine starts. "Will you join us?"

I think of Cameron and how she was a key part making this all happen. And I know that was probably the last time I got to talk to her.

"No, but I will fight beside you."


	10. Chapter 10

I got it wrong. All these years, all these times, I had it all wrong. No future but what we make.

I always asked, why me. Why me?

What a redundant question it was. A futile question. What does it matter? Why me? Who else?

Was it my destiny to stop the war? Does that matter?

I'm here to_ end_ it.

Because courage makes kings out of slaves. Courage makes the dawn come up like thunder. Courage makes you scream even if you have no voice. How could destiny do all that? All destiny does is make you crawl in front of the inevitable. World turns in its own pace but you my friend, you can pick yourself up anytime. So what if you are scared! We are all scared! But it's finding the courage despite being afraid that makes us heroes.

I am sitting here, in the dark. It's quiet, but it's not death. It's quite the opposite. It's everything that will happen. It's life. I'm smiling to myself. I've lost everything. Everyone who's ever been close to me. They've died for me. But there's still life and I am not scared.

My dearest survivors - this is the end of this story. If you've read this far I hope my story will give you courage to stand up. Don't wait for the future to happen for you. You are the future. You are the change. No one can tell you who you are. Or who you are supposed to be. I travelled through time to see that. I lived through hell to understand that. This is now and that is what we all have. This moment. These seconds. Make the most out of them.


End file.
